anyways

It is a short day today at work. Much needed after the long night last night at home (sorry Alison&Ian). I am being dragged up to the mountain this evening to spend the new year with my bff and then some random folks who will probably, most likely be on drugs. The silly kind of drugs that make other people look like rainbows. I will not do the drugs because I'm just not that type of fun, but I will laugh and write away the night in a corner somewheres all the while missing my sweetie and trying to push teen movies out of my paranoid head.
My dear friend of 10 years is moving back home today and I am sad. I know that all will be well and he will be a grand success but I will miss knowing that he is here, only a whimper away. So be it. We are forever friends from the same stock, our roots grow to deep to be forgotten. Still, I will miss his company. Let's hear it for the boy, raise your glasses to the Dalby!
And on that note, a few resolutions for the newness of the year: Be kinder, gentler, and try for grace. Drink less, smoke less, eat better, see a therapist. Call mom more often. Practice patience and maintain budget. Laugh more often, and tell people you love them. Drink more tea.
Love in the new year friends, take a cab home tonight. They are vultures!

The call to arms for every one else

The death toll has surged beyond 117,000 already and the US President remains on vacation at his TX ranch.
There are an estimated 5 million people without water, food, or shelter, the number is still growing, and the President of the wealthiest country in the world remains on vacation.
Artie Shaw died today. The benevolant king of swing, and the US President remains still, on VACATION.
Oprah is more popular than Jon Stewart according to the folks over at Harris, and my favorite TV cop, Jerry Orbach aka Detective Lennie Briscoe has passed away...
This week stinks, worst week EVER!
And the President of the United States of America remains still
on VACATION!
Something is off. It's coming to an end.
One good sign I found:
http://edition.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/asiapcf/12/27/quake.aidsites/ to donate while our President is on winter break the rest of the world is still working.

hope is a meathead

The semi-brood in the corner last night cut my life into tiny bits. He then proceeded to fork at my parts, pushing them around on his plate. When all I really needed to say was, 'fuck off' to feed him full.
And then I had some much needed dance party debauchery with folks and friends.
Still though, the maniac ranting of the pre-funk is churning in my mind. How does a stranger look at another stranger and estimate their lives' worth? At a bar of all places? More pressing, why in the heat of hell did I sit through the whole of his musings? I do complain about my life in this town quite a bit, I am the first to admit, and I am not as happy as I'd like to be, this is not breaking news Eugene is small and all but I pull it together in the end. (I get by with a little help from my friends) I just hate being judged especially by the broot who comes to the bar to do just that. I hope he doesn't write me down as some cut of tendered meat, easy to rip a part while on the hunt. But hope is just hope and after I sat idly bye drinking my drink watching him consume me, I suppose hope is well out of the question. I hate when people pretend to philosophize when all they are actually doing is promoting their own fiction. Genius, my ass!

This is all spittle because I have yet to place what he said in any sort of sequence and I hate to be so negative. Sorry one dude who reads this thing
to lay this out on you. Tomorrow it will be rainbows and a love parade I promise.

Therapy 101 50 things you dont care about

1. I don't like speaking on the telephone.
2. I hate talk shows, the hosts on talk shows, the guests on talk shows, and the stupid things they 'talk' about.
3. I cry... A Lot!
4. I resemble my great grandmother on my mom's side, Eve. Some say I am her reincarnation.
5. I am Catholic. Catholic school, Catholic drinking habits, and Catholic guilt.
6. One side of my family is very rich. The other, the good side, very poor.
7. I believe in the working class, unions, and Baseball.
8. I live with a Ghost I have yet to name.
9. I played the flute, the piano, the violin, and sang in the NW honor's choir. None of which stuck.
10. I have never broken a bone in mine or anyone else's body.
11. I like to have football on in the background but can not stand to watch it. I am like this with most television programming.
12. I paint. I am a horrible painter.
13. My Sister is 21. She is Cara Marie Labrousse. She is wonderful and lovely. She is artistic and athletic..
14. My mom is the youngest of 3 brothers, she is Joy, they are Jack, Jimmy, and Jeff. Grandma is Joyce, who married Jack and is now with BOB.
15. My father's side of the family is French. Really, very French.
16. My Grandpa Jack was my favorite person in the whole wide world and taught me how to love, curse, and spit, up until he died in 94.
I 'm still not over it.
17. Solace is the most beautiful word I know of.
18. I am a commitment horror.
19. Bruce Springsteen IS the Boss.
20. Loyalty is the most valuable of valued virtues.
21. I can semi read/write in Japanese, French, and Latin. I am unable to speak them.
22. I am retarded socially.
23. My crushes were/are APK, Jimmy Stewart, and Jake Ryan. Am fond of Hugh Grant.
24. I eat meat.
25. I am a writer, not an alcoholic, and visa versa.
26. I am very bad at moderation and patience. I am very good at drinking black coffee and chain-smoking.
27. I believe in true love.
28. I live with three cats, Olive, Norio, and Cash.
29. Nobody knows me like my baby.
30. Johnny Cash is my hero.
31. My theme song is 'Watching the Wheels' by John Lennon
32. I worry too much. Am very scared to end up like my father, paranoid schitzophrinic and alone.
33. I don't expect anyone to read this, but yes it is indeed therapeutic.
34. I can't wait to get home and watch the Sopranos and the OC.
35. I made our Christmas tree entirely out of construction paper this year, it took 4 hours.
36. I believe full-heartedly in wasted time.
37. I will never discard : Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.
38. I have a very small group of very close friends who know me, that I've had for the majority of my life, that I would gladly give my life for.
39. The night time is the right time.
40. I prefer Conan.
41. Ted Williams is the greatest baseball player of all time.
42. Am easily bothered by noise, and unhappy in silence.
43. I don't do drugs. I'm just not that fun of a person I suppose.
44. I have been to jail. While there I got asked out and handed a ticket from one Mr..Cadet Lee. Harassment is fun!
45. My mom is the strongest woman I know. Single moms kick ass.
46. I am of Saint Johns, North Portland, OR
47. I am a Taurus and often too stubborn to accept it / admit it.
48. I have two marriage pacts, both with gentle men who love to annoy me, tease me, and piss me off.
49. I was engaged to be married to a man called Gabe who cheated on me and got the apartment. I got the debt.
50. I have very bad luck.

going down

Elevators are fun, especially the ones with mirrors in them.
Having a Sunday all to one's self is fun, especially with red wine and the Sopranos.
Keeping up is not fun.
Falling backward into partially recovered-from depression is also not fun.

I heart Paris

Because my parents never sent me to Europe or offered me money for silly things like college I suppose I am on the low end of the stick class-wise and will remain at that low end till death catches up.
In conversation with an old friend today I realized more so than ever that I am on the other side of the tracks, or maybe just his tracks. I'm sure Prague and Italy are 'must sees' and I would love Paris in the springtime, but does it make me less of a person for not having the time or trust fund to go? Does this really measure my intellect,my worth? In my defense I have actually paid for my on-again-off-again schooling, and have worked good and hard for every penny I waste at the bar and Goodwill. It is my contention that the best education is a life long siege of heartbreak, excitement, falling in and out of love, and other grand mistakes. Character is not built on a campus or during a winter break. A person should not be defined by how quickly they can accumulate credit hours. It is hard to understand simplicity. It is a foreign notion to him that I want nothing more than my little life and the lovely people/cats who wander in and out of it. Eventually he will. It will smack him in the face, kick him in the ass, and beg him for a laugh. Until that day comes I will linger here with my bitter tears and wait for my apology.

Femennnnnissssm ?

The semi-new assmonkey at my work made an assmonkey attempt at hitting on me during his first week on the floor and every other girl on my floor. In his feeble, sexist mind he thought I would say yes with some sort of big kiss or something, when I said NO I began to notice a foul smell. It smelled like bitterness, with a dose of spite. Every time he walks by I get a dose of his poison and yesterday the stink was just strong enough to get me a sit-down with the boss. To my surprise Mr.. Assmonkey is also a tattle-telling-liar! When I pointed this out in a calming professional tone I caught a nat (no action taken). You see, I am not a card-carrying Feminist. I respect the regime, but am to lazy to get the membership. However I am a human being who happens to be female and I refuse to let Assboy get away with this. I despise the fact that I was put in this situation and have decided to take action. Revenge you say? No no no, just little quiet steps toward revenge, until the red state assmonkey decides to give up and go home. Ideas anyone?

on the road again

I have redeemed myself with a little help from my loving mother and the local DMV. I am no longer a slave to my bike. I can enjoy NPR again in my car on lunch breaks and I can take my cheap ass to Goodwill whenever I so please. I feel the freedom of 16 all over again, but without the asshole boyfriend and the stalker.

A song of celebration:
Me and my escort
oh yes indeed
I am a dorkass
but I have my escort
and that's all I need!

Saltzman House Party, 2001-2003

What we build here is guaranteed.
It is brick and rings the battle cry
of broken promises,
friends come and gone,
made and lost.
And if you walk inside
it is quiet with surprise
and loud with regret.

Dinner is at 8:00
and the beer is always chilled.
Sit down, relax
the furniture invites you with open arms
and cozy conversation.
Save your questions for the kitchen.
He is more informative than his fellows
and the leaking roof, his jealous companion will not detest you.
If nerved by the guilty comrades go to the porch
where the old armchair and maple leaves are inviting
and happy for your company.

Because the outside
is never cold like is brethren.
It doesn't reek with the odor
of bittersweet resentment
and uncanny cynicism.

It lets you alone
to empty your newfound drink
and talk of what it means
to find happiness
in solitude.

A daisy I intend to be ...

There is light in this Saturday night. Happy Bday Miss AFAFF girls and coctails and an auctioning off of our local hotties, what more could be asked for in a town as such? Then home to my Sweet Prince. I am lucky indeed.

Oh sweet sweet minimum wage, how do I miss thee? Let me count the ways:
I miss people actually looking me in the eye when they call me an incompetent bitch. If I needed someone to insult me over the phone from far far away I would call my mother back from time to time.
I miss the access to free, rich, hot coffee. Office coffee is potent with the taste of 'We are to cheap to care about taste, we just need you awake, oh yeah and your Christmas bonus, that's well, not going to be happening this year'.
I miss human interaction. At Coffee People, and B&N I was a 'regulars' slut. A lover of my own inside jokes with the customers I called my own. Nobody loves a banker! The consumer in banking is just that, they consume all of what they can at the lowest rate they can find, there is no loyalty.
I miss walking, moving body parts other than my swivel chair and my fingers.
I miss friendly coworkers who like to share food, drinks, and conversation. It's no fun being the 'kid' at the office. The 'unmarried one'. It is lonely.
I miss friends visiting me and following me around while I pretend to work.
I miss changing the satellite radio station to cool jazz, to the power of the 80's, back to holiday favorites in mid July
I miss TIPS. Oh my dear Lord do I miss tips. Unfortunately a tip less life is very complicated, its details are inclusive of horrible concepts like auto pay, savings, 401k's, mutual funds, and often, overdraft fees.
I miss the rush of doing something good for another person instead of a company.
I miss
Mostly I just miss happiness, calm, and real live human people.

Awe sweet sweet self pity

This, dear friend is mighty courageous of me to post my neurotic rantings in this setting but I will anyway out of sheer terror of completely disappearing. In this place, this cold cubicle of lies and pretension, I have slowly turned into a very boring person without inspiration. And seeing as how I used to be a fun drunk rather than a cryer, a loving girlfriend, rather than a cryer, and a good friend, rather than a cryer, I think it the right time to start something new.